-- In His Strength: I Yelled at God Last Night www.superfluousbanter.org

In His Strength

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength --- Philippians 4:13

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

I Yelled at God Last Night

(please excuse the tardiness of this post as it's been a few days in the making)

WEEEEEEEEE!!! His Love IS Amazing!

I had expected to take meds for weeks before seeing results, and within days felt phenomenal. Almost three weeks went by and no pain, nausea, nothing! =D I took a bold step of faith (I thought so anyway) and shared with a friend who was writing a song along those same lines. The day after I wrote that however, ...........miserable! Headache, nausea, vomiting... For three hours could not keep a thing down, even the meds that were supposed to stop it. I was angry, “THIS ISN’T FAIR! Why get my hopes up,…..again!?” I want to work, I want to afford to DO things, I don’t want to be stuck at HOME!” Yes, I was yelling, screaming, and crying and even beating my pillow… yet, somehow, sensed He completely understood (why did I still feel so guilty?). I felt two strong hands- one on each of my shoulders- and a still, small voice quietly nudges it’s way in, telling me instead of wallowing in that one miserable day, I could choose to rejoice in those two weeks I had (“but I want MORE God!”). The next week was a rollercoaster, both physically as we try to regulate medication and emotionally because I am just so done with this nonsense!
Meanwhile…….children are my sanity (okay, them and my dog, I have to giver her credit)
Why can’t Sundays be every day? Truly? I cannot get enough of being with the ‘Elevate’ ministry at our church. I think I am the favorite. We have a game with yarn balls; set a time limit and see who can get the most on the other side of the room. The side with the least amount of yarn balls on their side wins. It often turns into who can pelt Tryna with the most! I LOVE IT!!! On one occasion, unbeknownst to me, I arrived home with three of them stashed behind my back. Maybe that’s why my back felt so good afterwards, Haha!
But last Sunday I was in no mood for children, I was in no mood for God (I scared even myself with that one!). I went to church because I knew it was the right thing to do, maybe it would get my mind off of all of this nonsense. Worship was agony. This is highly unusual coming from someone who’s favorite part of the church service is the worship portion, and who wishes she could spend the entire service just in worship alone. (A time or two in my church in Montana, that’s exactly what we did. Even in the college group I was involved in. Some nights were devoted strictly for worship. L<3ved it). My mind wasn’t even on the message that morning. I took notes as I always do, to help me to pay attention. That didn’t help. I was distracted. My mind was somewhere else altogether. Don’t ask me what the message was about because I couldn’t tell you.
And this week I didn't want to go.......home! HaHA!!!
This morning a little guy (about seven I think) I worked with started off grumpy. His g-tube was irritating him as always. On numerous occasions I had to get his hands away from it for fear of it being dislodged. I tried to get him involved in activities and he just pulled away grimacing, grunting, and moaning. It broke my heart. A silent prayer for the Lord's help and suddenly.......everything seemed to turn around.
A little encouragement from my supervisor to be hands on with him, helping him participate in worship. (eye contact, hand over hand with some sign), I quickly found out that he L <3 VES when you do this. His face lit up and he started to make sounds. He hugs me. He pets Alehe. Pushes my wheelchair. Smiles. (Oh those smiles are sooooooooooooo adorable!!!!) I seriously want to steal this child and take him home with me…..I know, I say that about all of them, Lol!
I sat near L at Bible-story time, scratching his back. For some children, depending on their disability, this is a calming mechanism. Haha! My poor hand was done!!! I stopped scratching. Pretty soon, I felt a small hand grasp mine ever so gently and pull it, placing it on his little back; his little eyes looking up at me, face beaming. I cracked up laughing. Apparently, HE wasn't quite done yet.
I had to leave a few minutes early from the class so that my family and I could go to lunch with some longtime family friends. I did not want to leave that classroom. I did not want our time together to end. All day I had been on cloud nine, just completely pumped up on adrenaline; and I was until well after midnight when I finally convinced myself to go to bed. I don’t remember my head hitting the pillow.
When I arrived home from church a contemporary Christian artist was on my mind, well, a particular album of his. “ Story of Your Life” by Matthew West. I jumped on my Itunes and listened to Matthew West’s song “I Love You More”. The Lord poured it’s words over me like a refreshing stream after a long trek through the rugged mountains. I’ve been playing it over and over for days now.

“And I want you to know that I’m not letting go, even when you come undone” ~ GOD

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