I Yelled at God Last Night

(please excuse the tardiness of this post as it's been a few days in the making)

WEEEEEEEEE!!! His Love IS Amazing!

I had expected to take meds for weeks before seeing results, and within days felt phenomenal. Almost three weeks went by and no pain, nausea, nothing! =D I took a bold step of faith (I thought so anyway) and shared with a friend who was writing a song along those same lines. The day after I wrote that however, ...........miserable! Headache, nausea, vomiting... For three hours could not keep a thing down, even the meds that were supposed to stop it. I was angry, “THIS ISN’T FAIR! Why get my hopes up,…..again!?” I want to work, I want to afford to DO things, I don’t want to be stuck at HOME!” Yes, I was yelling, screaming, and crying and even beating my pillow… yet, somehow, sensed He completely understood (why did I still feel so guilty?). I felt two strong hands- one on each of my shoulders- and a still, small voice quietly nudges it’s way in, telling me instead of wallowing in that one miserable day, I could choose to rejoice in those two weeks I had (“but I want MORE God!”). The next week was a rollercoaster, both physically as we try to regulate medication and emotionally because I am just so done with this nonsense!
Meanwhile…….children are my sanity (okay, them and my dog, I have to giver her credit)
Why can’t Sundays be every day? Truly? I cannot get enough of being with the ‘Elevate’ ministry at our church. I think I am the favorite. We have a game with yarn balls; set a time limit and see who can get the most on the other side of the room. The side with the least amount of yarn balls on their side wins. It often turns into who can pelt Tryna with the most! I LOVE IT!!! On one occasion, unbeknownst to me, I arrived home with three of them stashed behind my back. Maybe that’s why my back felt so good afterwards, Haha!
But last Sunday I was in no mood for children, I was in no mood for God (I scared even myself with that one!). I went to church because I knew it was the right thing to do, maybe it would get my mind off of all of this nonsense. Worship was agony. This is highly unusual coming from someone who’s favorite part of the church service is the worship portion, and who wishes she could spend the entire service just in worship alone. (A time or two in my church in Montana, that’s exactly what we did. Even in the college group I was involved in. Some nights were devoted strictly for worship. L<3ved it). My mind wasn’t even on the message that morning. I took notes as I always do, to help me to pay attention. That didn’t help. I was distracted. My mind was somewhere else altogether. Don’t ask me what the message was about because I couldn’t tell you.
And this week I didn't want to go.......home! HaHA!!!
This morning a little guy (about seven I think) I worked with started off grumpy. His g-tube was irritating him as always. On numerous occasions I had to get his hands away from it for fear of it being dislodged. I tried to get him involved in activities and he just pulled away grimacing, grunting, and moaning. It broke my heart. A silent prayer for the Lord's help and suddenly.......everything seemed to turn around.
A little encouragement from my supervisor to be hands on with him, helping him participate in worship. (eye contact, hand over hand with some sign), I quickly found out that he L <3 VES when you do this. His face lit up and he started to make sounds. He hugs me. He pets Alehe. Pushes my wheelchair. Smiles. (Oh those smiles are sooooooooooooo adorable!!!!) I seriously want to steal this child and take him home with me…..I know, I say that about all of them, Lol!
I sat near L at Bible-story time, scratching his back. For some children, depending on their disability, this is a calming mechanism. Haha! My poor hand was done!!! I stopped scratching. Pretty soon, I felt a small hand grasp mine ever so gently and pull it, placing it on his little back; his little eyes looking up at me, face beaming. I cracked up laughing. Apparently, HE wasn't quite done yet.
I had to leave a few minutes early from the class so that my family and I could go to lunch with some longtime family friends. I did not want to leave that classroom. I did not want our time together to end. All day I had been on cloud nine, just completely pumped up on adrenaline; and I was until well after midnight when I finally convinced myself to go to bed. I don’t remember my head hitting the pillow.
When I arrived home from church a contemporary Christian artist was on my mind, well, a particular album of his. “ Story of Your Life” by Matthew West. I jumped on my Itunes and listened to Matthew West’s song “I Love You More”. The Lord poured it’s words over me like a refreshing stream after a long trek through the rugged mountains. I’ve been playing it over and over for days now.

“And I want you to know that I’m not letting go, even when you come undone” ~ GOD

Matthew West 'Story of Your Life' Tour w/ Special Guests Josh Wilson and Richard Andrew

"Is this the end, or only the beginning"........ MW, Story of Your Life

The Rivers Edge church, Rancho Cucamonga, CA

I was listening to 89.7 KSGN online one afternoon when I heard Matthew West was doing his 'Story of Your Life' tour (his first stop on the tour!) and making his one and only Southern California stop in Rancho Cucamonga.- Christian recording artist Richard Andrew ,who is worship leader at that church and whom I got to know two years ago, was opening. I thought of how cool it would be to be there but because of the drive and the time it was supposed to start and end, didn't think it was going to be possible. But I prayed anyway.......and God answered!
I purchased tickets online two or three weeks in advance. For weeks I was practically bouncing off the walls (my roommate can attest to that), so excited to get to worship with Richard for the third time. And it would be my second time seeing Matthew West in concert (first time seeing Josh Wilson). When purchasing the tickets, I made a mistake in typing my address and immediately sent an e-mail to the ticket agency. So when I thought they should have been here, they weren't. I panicked, but I did have a receipt I printed on my computer (right b4 my printer died, ha!). That same day I received a phonecall from an itickets.com representative saying my ticket bounced back to them and they would have it for me at willcall. (WHEW!)

What a night He (God) had planned for me!

The two hour drive was excruciating, I don't know how I survived. I could not wait (my dad was jokingly poking fun of my excitement the whole time, the turd! He's lucky I wasnt siting close enough to smack him ;). I feared the seating arrangements. Would their wheelchair seating be waaaaay in the back? If I sat front row, would I be able to understand what was being sung? Most concerts the intruments are wicked loud, and their wheelchair seating (or is it my vision? ha) makes the artists look an inch tall and three miles away. I was saved a seat in the front =) where RE staff led me right to the spot when I got there. I inquired of earplugs, and someone went and got me a pair! Crazy thing was I hardly had to use them. But by the last three songs, even with them in it was hard to hear/understand the words. My ears were STILL ringing! But it was SOOO totally worth it!!!!!!!
I thought I was going to get to sit with RA and his wife Shawn (now worries you two!), and was sad I never did see another RA fan that friended me on FB. Didnt know the people I was sitting around. Somehow, that didn't matter to me. I became lost in the music and stories of the evening.
Richard Andrew opened the evening with three of his songs (too short if you ask me, Haha!).
Take My Will ~ "Take my will, make it Your own. I'm on my knees letting go. Seeking more of You, finding less of me and now I'm free. Take my will, let Your kingdom come, let Your will be done".
Wave A Hand ~ I waved both hands in the air, and got so into it I just about 'wave'd myself right out of my powerchair! I hope nobody noticed (:sheepish grin:)
None Compare ~ My all time fave since the very first time I hear it! I was trying to close my eyes in worship, but at the same time didn't want to take my eyes off of the stage.

Josh Wilson was second to perform. I had heard one or more of his songs before, but tonight his music was better than I remember. Ha, thre's somethignh to be said about hearign live performances of your favorite songs. Wow. Unlike Richard Andrew and Matthew West, it was just Josh Wilson with a band loop pedal.

Shine On Us
Before The Morning
Savior Please
Always Only You
I Refuse
Amazing Grace (Instrumental, with the band loop pedal, which was AWESOME!)

In his introduction, Matthew West mentioned that this was his first stop on the "Stories" tour, as well as the ONLY So. Cal. stop. COOL! That just made it even more memorable. During his portion of the concert (he just happened to be the last one to play), between songs he played portions of his DVD. (I have watched it two or three times since that night).

Nearly every one of his songs had something that spoke to me

Strong Enough ~

"You must think I'm strong, to give me what I'm going through"

~
The Lord doesnt put anything on us that He doesnt think we can handle. (I often wish the Lord wouldnt think ME so strong, haha.)
~ Phil 4:13 (=D) Just happens to be my favorite verse of all time!
My move out of Montana, health issues, job woes.....all caused me to lose sight of the 'Bigger Picture'.
( Negative "What if"'s....... "Lord, give me a new perspective"
Am I going to decide my life is going to stink from here on out? THIS comment in his video totally and completely hit home for me. This thought is what I've been struggling with since leaving Montana)

Family Tree ~ I have Christs legacy

To Me ~(pain of school)
I was made fun of a lot in school, because of the way I looked, how I walked (or didn't walk). I missed a lot of school growing up even into college because of surgery, doctor appointments, and now these headaches and nausea.

"There are two kinds of people in this world; dream crushers 'Your not able to do it' and dream makers ~ 'Well, you know what? I'm going to do it anyway!'.
I was told I would never live past the age of two. I am now in my my mid-thirties. I was told I would never walk. I did...., but not until I was almost two. I was told I was not cut out for college. I graduated after eleven years earning BOTH an Associate's AND a Bachelors degree. I wheeled on stage to accept my diploma, and as I wheeled off I lifted my eyes and hands to Heaven praising God, knowing it was by His amazing grace that afforded me such an accomplishment.

I lost my digital camera right before the concert , Oh not good!! Mom and dad said they would let me borrow theirs. Last minute I just happened to be looking for something in my purse and lo and behold, THERE it was at the bottom!!! Cool! I was able to take lots of pictures. (Sadly, only a few really turend out. My best picture......one taken with Matthew West.

One Less ~ made me think about my dream for adoption

Your A Survivor ~ Rocked out to this one, about fell outta the chair! (Ohoh oh's)
Told not to try anymore ("Not cut out for college")
Rom 8:37 ~ ...in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

Innocence ~ "Love (God) sees perfection"
"Grace can take a broken girl and put her back together"
****God is not done with you yet

The Reason

"Maybe the reason for the pain is so that we would pray for strength. Maybe the reason for the strength is so that we would not lose hope, and maybe the reason for the hope is so that we could face the world and the reason for the world is to make us long for ho-o-o-ome."

The Healing Has Begun
Mercy remebers your name
The tears you hold back, let them fall like rain

The Motions~ (I made this my prayer the first time I heard this song, even more so that night)

"I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

"

In the video, Mattthew West holds up a whiteboard (he had surgery on his throat) ----"the value of this season will no doubt be priceless
God has something to say. To us and through us"

TAKE ME ALL THE WAAAAAAYYY!!!!! (from his song 'The Motions')

Since the concert was late in the evening, and it would be a two hour drive home, we opted to stay in a hotel and drive back in the morning (Mom and dad had a date night while I went to the concert). The concert ended and I was exhausted. But did I WANT to leave?! HA! No. I lingered for as long as I could. ANd I had to hang with Richard once more :D
FINALLY!!! I have an 'RA' t-shirt! Do I get one exactly like my mother's (great story behind how I received that one, I'll never forger 'Tuna and Rice'.)? Or do I check out his different styles? Oh too many choices, I could go for one of each! But sadly, the womens styles didnt fit :'( Too small (crazy to say for this small frame I know!) One shirt stuck out to me. 'Breath = Praise' The Lord seemed to speak as I read those words ~ "As long as I have breath, I have reason to praise Him." Even in light of whatever excruciating circumstances I find myself in.
I showed RA the t-shirt I bought (breath = praise) and he explained it was taken from Psalm 150 verse 6, "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord". The "ra" in 'praise' sports his initials with a circle around it.
Did I sleep once I got to the hotel? Heck no! I was too wound up, and had the evenings songs running through my head most of the night.
The devil had me convinced life was over once I left Montana. God seemed to show me tonight He still wasn't done with me yet.

"This is the joy, this is the pain, and all the pages in between. Your finest hour, your weakest moment is where you've been, where you are, is where you're going".

~ MW, Story of Your Life