Facing Disappointment

Pastor Phillips was in Chi Alpha Tuesday night as I am just arriving through the door of the classroom where it's held. I was surprised to see him there. AFter saying an enthusiastic and somewhat surprised "Hi!", I asked "What brings you to Chi Alpha?" (or maybe something more like "What are YOU doing here?" He then told me he was the speaker for tonight. "Yeah!",I exclaim as I pump my fist. Little did I know how much his message and the story he told in closing would affect me.

Two areas of disappointment
circumstances
people

Websters Dictionary definition of disappointment
not as appointed ; not as planned


dissappointed with the way things are going in our life

Acts 7:22 - 29
Moses

He's in trouble with the Egyptians AND the Hebrews
One day he is a somebody, the next - a foreigner
forry years away from what he thought was God's purpose in life
Life is not going as he planned
life is falling apart
situations not working out the way you think they should
goal/purpose - confused
no way out, no answer - nothing is going to change
Can God help me with my dissapointment
YES

Moses is pulled toward his own brethren (me, having a disability myself, being pulled to teach children with disabilties)

He (meaning God) will have to teach me

1) God is in control of every circumstance
He is not controlled by them, He controls them
Power of Christs word holds everything together
Heb 1:3
He orders them according to His plan
Psalm 31 - My times are in Your hands
God is aware of times in my life
This is the da:y that the Lord has made, Let us rejoice and be glad in it - Psalm
whether in prison or Palace
we may not understand everything that comes our way, we can understand His nature and His purpose
Faith/Trust -I believe God and I will trust Him with what is happening in my life. I trust He will be true to His Word

2.) God has a plan for my life - unique and individual for me
He sees things that I go through in a different perspective / viewpoint
See things the way God sees them
God has a better plan than I do
Moses disappointment becomes God's great appointment
God's way became the best way, even when it took forty years to happen
Are there areas of your life where you are disappointed because of circumstances?
Put your trust in Him
God will never fail you
Joseph - dreams about what God is going to do in his life, how God was going to use him
(sold off by brothers, put in prison, falsely accused for trying to rape masters wife, prison again)
In all this Joseph did not lose sight of God
God elevates him in the end
David - kills Goliath
hero at 17
given daughter of the king to wed
lavished with gifts
taken away overnight because Saul becomes jealous adn hunts him down to take his life 17 years
God delivers him and David becomes next king of Israel. David keeps his eyes on God
Daniel lions den

3.) Disappointment in people
Our disappointments = God's great appointments
Moses disappointed in Aaron bis brother for making an idol for the people while Moses is on Mt. Sanai
Elisha and Gehezai - 2Kings 10
Nahman- dip in the river seven times
Acts 15 - Barnabas and the missionary journey (Paul and John-Mark)
Get you eyes on Jesus -Psalm 121:2
Too many times our lives are destroyed by people or circumstances
Quiet ourselves before God -
Paul- He who has begun a good workk in you will carry it on to completion until the day of christ

Story
Jim Cymbala Fresh Faith
Wendy Alvair in Brooklyn
a romantic
dreaming of the day she would marry, raise a houseful of children
a lot harder than it looked - went through two boyfriends
disappointed with life
found a man of her dreams
engaged, planning wedding
fell apart, lonely, wasnt close enough to God to ask for help
experienced the death of her father
fiinally listened, resubmitted her life to Christ
Wendy grew in the Lord , became involved in the church
Desire to marry as strong a ever
Okay God, Where is he
silence
watched many friends get married
30th, 35th bday went by
maybe God's plan didn't include marriage, motherhood
talked to God about her singleness
prayer time = pity party
God "you've taken eyes off Me, and put them on your circumstance"
God is the Source of all happiness
Dark cloud lifted
gave the desire to God on the altar, stopped whining about it
1 year later
(man she met 12 years earlier) this must be something from the enemy
concerned about getting involved with a babe in Christ
He wanted God's will so badly, even if it doesnt include Wendy
37 and finally married
birthed two children
keep seeking God's will
Dont settle for less
Hebrews 10:35 - don't throw away your confidence
Matt 6:33 - Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you.

S.A.L.T. 2008

Another retreat I wasnt going to go on at first, finances as usual, that turned out to be... just what the Dr. ordered!

Ah yeah, I had already told my roomie/aide I was not going to go, so she had a plan to go home to visit family that weekend. What I forgot to mention was that a few weeks later, I got money for birthday and Christmas, and so changed my mind (why does this scenario suddenly sound oh so so familiar?) Needless to say she waws pretty peeved. But at the end she was really glad she had gone. It had been a few years since her last SALT retreat.

Our speaker for the week was John Fischer, who also happens to manage the website for Rick Warren and Purpose Driven Life Ministries. John also has his own website and you can visit that here.

Tbhe fist two days were just okay to me. I actually questioned what I was doing at the conference. Maybe I wasn't meant to come. However, I did have a few comments strike me.
"The more you get to knwo Him, the more you need Him"
Isn't that the truth?
"We minister best out of our own need. It provides me a ministry to others."
Wow, did I chew on this for a while. I could see how this was so true.

I got the most out of the last two days of the conference. Oh dont get me wrong, the entire conference was great, but the last two days are what God used the most.

It was Thursday night, and earlier in the week, there was talk of a worship night. I was excited. God had an incredible night in store for me and I had no idea.
When I wheeled into the room where our main meetings were held, I noticed it was set up a bit different. What I saw first were two tables set together with candles all over and large river rocks neaer each candle. Scriptrue verses printed off the computer were scattered on the tables. I read a few before we were instructed to sit toward the fromt where chairs were set. We were told that there were various worship 'stations' set up around the room and we could check them out at any point in the evenings service. Our very own worship band played for most of the evening.

After many worship songs, I decide to go to the back of the room and read through the verses on tables. Each verse had the word 'rock'. I decide to write down the verses and starred the ones that really spoke to me.

Isaiah 26:4 - Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal
Psalm 19:14 - (I have made this my prayer) May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
1Cor 10:4 - and drank the same spiritual drink; for they drank from the spiritual rock that accompanied them, and that rock was Christ.
Deut 32:4 -He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.
1Sam 2:2 - "There is no one holy like the LORD; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God.
2Sm 22:2 - He said: "The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
Josh 4:21 - 24 -He said to the Israelites, "In the future when your descendants ask their fathers, 'What do these stones mean?' 22 tell them, 'Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground.' 23 For the LORD your God dried up the Jordan before you until you had crossed over. The LORD your God did to the Jordan just what he had done to the Red Sea when he dried it up before us until we had crossed over. 24 He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the LORD is powerful and so that you might always fear the LORD your God."

Earlier in the week I had been to a seminar where at the very end, our speaker had given a prophetic word to a few in the room. I was slightly dissappointed that one of these people were mot me. However, at the worship night later, God royally blessed me with not one but three people encouraging me with a word and a fourth person praying for me. Here is just a snippet of what was said (that I could remember anyway).

God never forgets about His people
He has great things in store for you
God gets excited to hear your voice in the morning
He is closer than you think
Confidence and fulfillment in Him
God - "Don't give up on your dreams".
"Faith as a mustard seen can still move mountains

Another person came to the front and gave a word to the entire crowd
"God never blessed anyone who gave up".
(I was close to giving up on my dreams for the future as I thought they should have happened by now.)

When I finally felt like I was able to leave, I was so fillled up in the Holy Spirit, I couldn't wheel out of there in a straight line!!!

Throughout the week, God further touched my heart with verses from various songs we sing in church, songs I have been singing for years that spoke differently this week

From 'Blessed be the Name of the Lord' -You give and take away
From 'Amazing Grace' -Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
Oh great light, my Hope and my Salvation
'Draw me Close to You' -Lay it all down again
'God of Jacob' -Let us not lift our souls to another

who knows now how many times I have been to MSU's XA pastors seminar on the Baptism in the Holy Spirit. You would think I would have it all down by now, but each year I get something new from it.
"Jesus speaks a lot more than we give Him credit for."
And sometimes I dotn take enough time to just sit back and listen. There always seems to be something I'm forgetting to do.
"Walking by the Spirit is something that is beyond human logic."
excercising my prayer language I always fear as though I am just making it up (didnt we cover fear being a sin?)
I AM AN ATOMIC BOMB to the DEMONIC
Obedience = Taking a Risk

Tongues
not our of our intellect but Gods
unknown to me but not God

Friday night was the final time we were to be together as Saturday morning we were to pack up and go back home. God had one final thing to reveal to me before I went back home. in our speakers message, he touched on Chi Alpha's mission -Reconciling students to Christ transforming the Uniniversity, the Marketplace and the World. He went on to give examples of those in teh University (professors, and the like) the Marketplace (doctors, lawyers, teachers...)
When he said teachers, I about fell out of my chair, sobbing because I finally understood that this was definately where God was calling me. And then he said one more thing, "You don't have to feel guilty about not being called overseas".
I would go overseas in a heartbeat if I knew for sure thats where God was calling me. I think it would be interesting to see how people outside of my world live. Especially those who share the same issues I do with disability. It was hard enough going 23 hours to Texas in a little car a few summers ago, and I can hardly stand a few hours on a place from here to San Diego. I can't imaging myself sitting in an airplane for an entire day.

Here it is, weeks after the retreat and still excited about what God did those four days. No longer do I have such an uncertainty about my future, but look forward to it with much greater anticipation. I am excited to see what God does with my dreams.

XA Devo

So this post is extremely late. So many things to do...so little time.

XA 20 ‘til - My Journey Thru College
12-4-07
For weeks I have been thinking of what to share.
Feeling like I should somehow relate it to college
“What can I encourage students with? Especially now that I am no longer a student.
Relying on God to give me the words His saying “wait “
Forgot about it for a week
Megan calls me -”Oh Crap!”
Just like me doing things the night before their due! (some things never change!!!).
2 hours working on a topic-I thought I had it…three times
Boy has this been a lesson in and of itself.
(Okay God, you said wait…and now look where its got me!”)
Finally go excited at this idea - Thank You Jesus!
I think I now know why I had a headache for a week (I laughed when the thought occurred to me) God is good.

Show of hands - first year, last year
11 years and two degrees later!

Charles Kingsley - Have thy tools ready, God will find thee work

A quote I have on my mouse pad. This quote both got me through college, and is getting me through the finding of a job

My journey thru college and now trying to find a job
“Your not cut out for college” VR and DSS
Discouraged from attending UM
Major in Business Management with a minor in Music
Changing majors God knows how many times!
Pulling out for almost two years for health reasons.

All things work together - Romans 8:28
I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord - Jeremiah 29:11
Coming home from a retreat - God “Don’t be afraid to dream”

Facing discouragement
Bridges
Excuses - not enough experience
kids allergic to dogs or afraid of dogs

FORT COURAGE experience.
God - tell me what you desire in a job. See what I can do”.

Fall Retreat 2007 - What a Rush!

Should I stay or should I go?

Fall retreat was this past weekend. And because of a lot of hubbub going on with me lately, I needed a touch from God. Parents encouraged me to go. I knew I had the money, but I wasnt sure where it would leave me for other things that might come up. Luckily, I got shopping done soon after I paid for the trip. Sorry to Ohiodawa for the confusion. I had decided a while ago that I wasnt going because of $$(drives my parents nuts) and so she was going to go home that weekend. I guess I didnt say anything when I changed my mind. That's what I get for thinking about talking to her for so long, at one point I thought I had!

The speaker was Jenny McJunkin and she spoke on the topic of Singleness. I had no idea when I first signed up who the speaker was nor the topic of the weekend. I could have been the only one in the room she was speaking to. Each session, Friday night, Saturday morning/evening, and Sunday morning - spoke volumes to me where as it is usually one session where God hits me big. But this time, it rocked all the way through!

The Four Sessions included Intimacy with God, Developing Strong Relationships, Character, and Find the Right One to Marry - this fourth one was kept secret until the start of that session.

Intimacy with God
Song - I have a Maker. Something about the words just really struck me this weekend. I often worry about things even when I know I don't need to. God knows every intimate detail about my life and its goings-on. I just have to remind myself of that. It goes along with another point in her sermon - "Listen to God and all else will fall into place." Eeghad, why do I worry about my life being boring!? So far, it's been anything but!

Singleness, both a gift and a blessing.
I had to repent and ask forgiveness for not seeing it that way.

Dates with God and God wants to fill the lonely ache with more of Him.
Hmmm, dating God. A new way of looking at spending time with Him. I am terrible (it seems to me anyway) at getting quality alone time with Him. But I like the idea of at least getting one day out of every week to really get to know Him. I will continue to get alone wth Him daily, but make it a point of gettign together on one particular day (other than Sunday, as I already look forward with great anticipation as to what He will do in church).

Develop healthy relationships/friendships
God has given me this season for many reasons. One of them for growing and developing frioendships. As much as I enjoy the people around me, I look forward to new friendships that may come along (where are all the thrity-somethings in our church!). God has even challenged me to deepen the friendships that I already have. Even if it means contacting them by phone once a week. Right now, it's just sporatic. Even being more purposeful in conversations.
Isaiah 54: Seeing God as My Husband
For right now, until and even into the season that God brings me a mate, I shall concentrate on making friendships a proiority by initiating regular contact - talking on the phone more, sending an e-mail, etc. I need to work on this. Especially in the area of listening. Of course it is hard to do with friends who don't say much. I must get creative in my interactions because as I have learned this weekend "as we love on others, our selfishness decreases". ME - "Lord, teach me to become selfless".

Can't remember her name
speakers mother
praying for me numerous times
healing of the SB and supernatueral dreams
"Healing is ongoing, miracles are instant"

Character Development
God was really talking to me through worship.'Never underestimate my Jesus' was playing during discussion question time when I hear His sweet Spirit saying to me
"My Daughter, you are Mine and I love you!"
With the speakers message on chracter came 'preparation for marriage'. I have struggled to ask God about my future in this area. Afraid tho hear the word 'no' I guess. And if I had it my way, I would have been married with kids long ago. Can't quite understand why its taken so long, but then again I couldnt understand why He had me in college for thirteen years! (well, eleven if you dont count the 1 1/2 years out of college due to health issues).
Stop looking and start becoming. This statement had a huge impact on me. I have been so busy wondering if so and so could be it, I have completely forgotten about preparation! Another huge one for me this weekend was when she mentioned getting distracted by outward appearance (mine and his). Developing my character and looking for someone with character need to be more of a focus than looks. How am I supposed to attract someone with good character if I don't work on my own (not that I am saying anything bad about mine). A point I need to remind myself over and over again..., a man will Not solve all my problems. Only God is big enough to do that dirty work.

Find the right one to marry 8OD
This was the one that Jenny held back from mentioning at the beginning of the retreat, and for good reason.
God is pro-marriage
He may be holdign it from me for good reasons( like AC told me at a bible study last year "He wants to keep me all to Himself." This statement has messed with me since.
We are praying God's will when praying to find a spouse
many time s I tried to pray, and many times I got discouraged, thinking "maybe He doesn't have this for me"
We do our part, God does His
AS long as I am living for God and accomplishing what He has called me to do (preschoolers, YEAH!!!) He will do His part and draw us to eachother (He may not just have one perfect person, but there may be more than one that I may choose from and still be in His will.)
How to Find the Right One
Make yourself attractive
Spiritual Development - working on the inside of me; strengthening my walk with the Lord. Concentrating more on being (becoming) the ideal person, and not so much on finding the person.
Dont let your appearance limit you*****
how you believe is how others see you
What am I subconciously projecting
Change your mentality!!!
I have struggled in the past (and sometimes still struggle today) with my appearance. God has had to work on me royally in this area of my life. Slowly, He is changing the opinion of myself, and makign me believe that once can look past the outer appearance adn love me for who I am inside (I think I feel a Disney song comeing on)
Jer. 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future
Allow God to be creative
Oh how I dream of the day. But of course I know my imagination is limited, and God could cause it to happen unlike any dream I have ever had...or could have. But I still go on dreaming.
Trust God's Timing*****
Don't get discouraged
These two go hand in hand for me. As mucbh as I would love it to happen yesterday, I feel I am to focus on my career for right now...at least finding the ideal job. Can I handle marriage and career? I am sure willing to give it all I got to try, even with my dream of adoption. As far as discouragement goes, when you've seen countless friends getting hitched, married and then having kids, and they are all younger than you...It's hard not to become discouraged. In my mind my dreams should have happened by now.

For a week after the retreat, and even as I write this (as I have been working on it for at least two!) God was still moving through what was spoken that weekend.
Please check my flickr page often as I am still needing to post a few pictures.

Oh God is SO GOOD!

At Daughter's Retreat '07, I Got High

On Jesus,Duh!

The third annual Daughter's Retreat was a few weekends ago and to sum it up in three words...God Is Awesome!

Each session (Friday night, Saturday morning and evening) was focused on Aspects of Jesus' life and ministry. Being friend of sinners, intolerant of injustice No Condemnation, and His Sacrifice - Our response.

Friend of Sinners

A woman is most beautiful when she is at rest
I don't take alt of time for rest. When I do try to rest from activity during the day my mind automatically goes into 'what should I be doing now' mode. So rest is not always what occurs.

Do not despise who God created you to be

I often wonder how my life would be different if I were who I am living in another country, and I am thankful for where God has placed me. He's taught me through my disability that if I were any different, my relationship to Him wouod also possibly be different. No. He wouldn't love me any different, but has made me proud of my position in Christ, rather than pride in how I look or act , etc.

Jesus does not condemn

During worship this night, God spoke to me through a slow version of Nothing But the Blood - Place your confidence in God alone, not your dreams, not any other person, but God.
God speaks to me most through worship and nature

Intolerant of Injustice

During worship when we sang -Beautiful one, I cried throughout the song, now I can't even remember why. When in the middle of singing 'How Great is Our God, two things were going through my mind. I looked outside the window in fron of us and marveled at the scenery before us. Living in a beautiful state such as Montana, I sometimes feel spoiled. Looking out at the grandeur in all around me th8si weekend, while;e singing this song I couldn't help but marvel at God for His Creation.
Something else spoke to me while singing this song. Just how big of a God I serve. A God who is so powerful, He could turn my dreams into reality. No matter how far and impossible they might seem to me.

In How Great is Our God again, when we sang the line about time is in His hands God has asked me to hold on and wait for His timing; when things happen in my life, how they happen.
Another point that hit home for me was this one, "Jesus does not see a prostitute.He sees a person with true potential". God's speaking "or diabiltiy, etc. after she said prostitute. God sees totally different than we do. There is so much out there that we can't see, but God has a plan.I do not have to know if and when soenmthign is going ot happen in my lfe. Jesus:"Trust Me".

Jesus was voice driven, meaning He was always led by His father's voice in the act of obedience rather than seeing the need adn being driven to do something about it. If God tdl Jesus to do something, He wa obedient and did what the Father told Him to do. It is to be the same in our own lives. I also learned a few new things about obedience. For one, obedience can mean responding to what God puts on our hearts. Or when he puts something oin our hearts, we rise up to meet Him and respond to whatever we feel He is speakign to us. My prayer this weekend was that He would give me mopre opportunity to respond to His voice. Adn that I would be abl;e to hear Him and know beyond a shadow of a doubt tht it is Him speaking.

Journal time afterward was special. I started by reading last years DR notes and the verses on Confidence and Patience, the ones on Confidence really hitting home.

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in man.

One of the things God had spoken to me during my quiet time was a phrase I hear often - Let God and Let God. This time, He went a bit further with that staeement, adding a little twist - Let Go and TRUST God. Something I have a hard time doing, and so I chose to be obedient in that. I have had quite a few things happening in the past six months that needed releasing to Him. And so now I wait with anxious anticipation to see what He will do.

Christs Sacrifice, Our Surrender, our response
(leaves...) on staff with us this semester
"Obedience can bring guilt when it should bring love and joy"

And the BIG ONE for me - Dream big for the future

Reminde of the SALT congference with Alecia Chole a few years ago and how she spoke on becoming disollutioned. I gues I had become disillusioned with my dreams for the future, and this weekend was God's way of convincing me He was still in control.

Pictures
got one of From a Joyful Heart roasting a marshmallow in the fireplace
didn't get a group picture :(, don't know who did

i brought reading material for something to do durign our free time (to read while I get my feet up)-the small book P.S. God Loves You from J and N Engels, campus pastor from previous years. What an encouragement.

Let Your Faith Rest on God's Power

It was another great night in Chi Alpha on Tuesday (then again, what night isn't?). When in worship, God got my full attention when the worship band sung
"Never Underestimate My Jesus".

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What of the death I still dwell in?
I try to excel, but I feel no movement.
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

Never underestimate my Jesus.
You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you, you're wrong.
Never underestimate my Jesus.
When the world around you crumbles,
He will be strong, he will be strong.

I throw up my hands.
"Oh, the impossibilities."
Furstrated and tired,
where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for
the confidence I've lost so willingly.
Overcoming these obstacles
is overcoming my fears.

I think I can't, I think I can't.
But I think you can.
I think I can't, I think I can't.
But I think you can.
Gather my insufficiencies
and place them in your hands.


It hit me right where I needed it, coming aaway from a few health scares and then having to put my house up for sale. Mom and dad have had theirs for sale for over two years, the market is so soft now that its hardly been noticed. Up here its pretty much the same yet people are looking alot, either by drive by or walk through. Mostly by drive-by, picking up flyers too. Why is there interest in this one, but not the one that really needs to sell. Mom and I talked on the phone a few days ago and she mentioned she was praying for mine to sell. I told her I was praying for theirs. The flyers on the front lawn ran out and I was hesitant to call the real estate agency to come and restock, but I did it.
Why only seven years? True, people outside and within could scarecly agree on how things should be done.

Okay, before this post starts getting depressing, back to Tuesday's meeting.

Our focus in Chi Alpha for the next couple of weeks has been "unreached people groups" here at the University. And so, we will be having guest speakers with various topics of interest. We were given green sticky notes and asked to write down ideas to reach the different groups on campus. I came up with people with disabilities. As far as outreach ideas I have hyet to think oth far, but am praying into it. For over a year now I have been praying for others w/ disabilities to join our group, adn I have seen a few do just that. Why now that I am graduated does this idea hit me, and is this something I am supposed to do or lead someone else into doing?

We Need a Miracle!

My house was listed as being for sale a few days ago. They'll be putting up a sign in a few more days. Financially, things are not going well for the owsners, my parents.

Dad built a spec house a few years ago in hopes of selling two years later. They recently canned the realestate agaent who listed it because the house was not getting enough interest. Houses aren't going very fast in the market right now anyay, but still, this was ridiculous.











Someday I hope to look back on this situation and see God's hand.


Now I think I'll go listen to some worship music to help put me in a better mood.

Spring Retreat 2007

So it was not quite last minute, but it almost seemed that way when I decided to go on the annual Chi Alpha Spring retreat. I know one year I didnt feel al that led to go (and later regretted not going)and another year, I had the stupid writing proficiency exam. It felt weird not going as a college student anymore. As it was, I needed this trip (and mom thought so too, as she told me to go). These past six months or so have been pretty taxing on me, mentally, emotionally, physically...Spiritually, I just needed a good recharge.

Opening questions for the firt night of our weekend, used as sort of an icebreaker i guess:
Favorite family holiday moment
Unique holiday traditions
...and my personal favorite
Name a T.V. family that most resembles yours
I couldnt think of any at first, but as people in our group were mentioning theirs, I racked my brain, finally deciding upon "Home Improvement"s the Taylor family. My dad having, having worked in contruction for ovr thirty years, has a lot of similarities. He is always finding ways to make improvements in the house, and mom is always going nuts because of it.

When we were later goign over the weekend, How Beautiful asked about our traditional bonfire and smores making. "Can we have a forest fire?"

From the time I decided to go on the Spring Retreat, I had wondered who the speaker was goign to be and what the topic was. I learned on the drive home that the speaker the Chi Alpha leadership had hoped for had fallen through, but that one of our staffers had decided that she really wanted the topic to still be on Relationships. It was decided that all four leaders would speak on the topic. (Great job peeps!)

Here are the highlights from each message:

Rocky - Family
Psalm 147:2 and he heals the brokenhearted
Genesis 22:1 and 2 Gods way or my way
Submission to God
God gives a thankful heart
(this road is what led you to Me)

Krysty - Differences b/t male and female
Men and Women of God
Our deepest desires
men
battle to fight
come out the victor
An adventure to live
A beauty to rescue

women
We want to be romanced - we are relational to the core. I am a people person. I crave being around people. I love my alone times, but there are times I am alone that I long to be around people. We want to play an irreplacable role in a man's adventure
We want to be found beautiful

Our deepest enemies
men - passivity
women - abortion (as in our dreams)
we must not be worth it
We can offer our gifts

I am complete in my Savior

Scott - Junk
Junk = Soul wounds
what hurts dating, friends, family members may have caused
Soul Wounds
distrust the idea of love
deep insecurity in our life
"maybe this is my destiny"
dream less, run away fronm real lovers
God -"I am your only healer"
Let God choose the devices for healing

God-sized dreams
allow God to plant new ones, revive the old
require a belief in love
Ask God to reaffirm who you are

Jess - Friendships
Friends cannot do for you what God can
John 15: 13 What ways do I (even miles away) pray?
Friends can become idols

God as Father, Lover, Friend

Saturday night, I sat out by the bonfire for a few hours (or so it seemed). Later on uin teh evening I sat silent, listening to the water run adn looking at the light and dark play upon the water, beautiful. There is something about a body of water (stream, river, lake, ocean) that leaves me in awe of God. I would one day love to live on or near a stream, river or lake somewhere here in Montana. When we moved to Corvallis, Montana years ago, we had horses, dogs, barncats, chickens, cows...and forty acres. I was living a childhood dream. After my parents moved away and I into the dorms and later the girls house I told God thzt if I never got that again it was okay. Aside from all the crazy physical stuff I went through, it was the three best years of my life.I started missing it this weekend. Siting there I felt His Spirit challenge me to hold on to those dreams, to seee what God wuld do with them.

Message: We Are God's Children

To you I give my life Not just the parts I want to To You I sacrifice These dreams that I hold onto Your thoughts are higher than mine Your words are deeper than mine Your love is stronger than mine This is no sacrifice, here’s my life To You I give the gifts Your love has given me How can I hoard the treasures That You designed for free? To You I give my future As long as it may last To You I give my present To You I give my past

The above verses are a song we sung in our Monday night Chi Alpha meeting. It seemed to set the tone for what God was going to speak to me later that night. There was one other song, but I suddenly can't remember which it was. Somewhere in the meeting, our college pastor had introduced two young men that were foreign exchange students, one from Africa (Songe') and another from Australia (Paul, whom you could almost mistake for sounding a bit British). It was a comment that Paul made that struck me. "Doing something for God - not about us doing something for Him, but about Him doing something through us".
Scott came up to give his message shortly thereafter. Nothing concerning the first half of the message really had an effect on me, but somewhere toward the end, the Spirit really got my attention, and I believe I sat there and wept through the rest of it.
He talked about two ways in which we need to change, the first being the way we view ourselves. For years I have struggled with who I am physically. Years of ridicule from schoolmates left me with a very much diluted ability to see myself as anything but who God sees me as. Slowly but surely, that is beginning to change. I keep having to tell myself over and over, no matter what, I am loved by God. ( a while ago I sent a blog survey and one question swas asking if they thought I was attractive. It blew me away when someone had said 'yes'.
The second way in which we need to change is in the way we live our lives. I need to grow in Him, and let me tell you the more I read His Word, the more in love I become with my Savior. As many times as I have read His Word, I kick myself for thinking that there would be no other way a verse could speak to me, and then Scott read Hebrews 12:1, '...run with preseverance the race set before you.' The latter portion 'the race set before you' hit me like a ton of bricks as God spoke to my heart concerning that phrase. God has already mapped out where I am to go and what I am to do in my life, He is teaching me valuable lessons through these things, why am I trying to control what happens to me and when? A hard lesson I am having to learn is to just "Trust Him". (Even while working with the Bridges program and beoming frustrated with some of it, God has been speaking to me 'look past the frustration and see the good that will come out of this on the other side').
In the meantime, I need to consecrate (set apart) myself for what God wants to do in my future.
After his message, there was a short time of worship where I found myself repenting of trying to take control of what happens to me and when, and not trusting God and the fact that He has a future already mapped out for me; one that is beyond anything I could ever fathom.
Afterward, I came home and started rereading a small book that J and N gave me years ago. "P.S., God Loves You"

2nd Annual XA Daughters Retreat

Oh my gosh, what a weekend!

I spent this past weekend with a group of amazing ladies at our second annual Daughter's Retreat, put on by none other than (and believe me there is none like her) Krysty, Chi Alpha staffer and fellow Girl's House resident.

I had to miss out on most of the retreat last year (stupid WPA exam! See also Death to the WPA). I went to the first night and came home with three pages of notes, front and back. What I remember most was being touched by the worship. If and when I find the notes to that weekend, I will update this post.

Two words resonated within me this weekend;patience and confidence. I felt as though the Lord was telling me once again that I needed to be patient with Him when it comes to fulfilling my dreams, and to be more confident in seeing them fulfilled.

During one of our freetime sessions, I looked up the verses on confidence. The one that stuck out to me was Psalm 118:8 - "It is better to trust in the Lord, than to put confidence in man." The past few weeks have been crazy, so I still have yet to look up patience.

Friday night, the first night of the retreat, all of us girls (including the speaker) gave ourselves facials and ate chocolate. Closing out the retreat, Saturday night we had a "game" of sorts. Each one of us were to describe somone we don't know very well. "This person has this qualikty about her (naming as many as we wanted)...and she is (name person). Then it was that person.s turn to do the same until everyone had encouraged another. I described Faith, Faith described Suzy and Susie described me. Throughout the game, I triied to figure out who each person was describing. I was right on with most of them.

Was I called to singleness? Why give me the desire and not fulfill it? God may have other plans. At one point in our evening service we paired up and prayed for one another. J Thorn prayed for me and I for her. Something in her prayer made me realize, it's still a reality. Later on in the evening our speaker saind something that made my heart skip a few beats and me catch my breath. "I was created to be a bride. Trust God in the waiting. Allow the man to find you." See post from yesterday - "What's the Rush?"

see pics from this trip here.

Winder Advance ----Journey Home, Day four

February 20, 2006

Darn it if I wasn't wide awake at 6 a.m. this morning. That and I had a bit if a headache too, as I would for the next three days. Nothing I did semed to get rid of it, until that second dose of Tylenol.

We left the Copper King Hotel in Butte, Montana and headed home to Missoula. It was around 9 a.m. We wanted to be at breakfast by nine thirty.

Our end-of-the-retreat traditional place to eat was always at Denny's. Throughout the meal, I sat silent, too overwhelmed by events of this weekend to really say anything. Scott asked the tables to share about their thoughts of this weekend and I still sat silent, still processing what happened the night before.

It was all I could think about on the drive home.

Winter Advance ---- Evening Service, Day Three

2-19-06

Tonights worship was simply incredible. In fact, these first two songs were ones I had never heard before.

The enemy has been defeated Death couldn't hold you down We're gonna lift my voice in victory We're gonna make our praises loud Shout unto God with a voice of triumph Shout unto God with a voice of praise Shout unto God with a voice of triumph We lift your name up, we lift your name up.
--------------------
I love you forever
I love you forever
I love you forever, Lord

(repeat)

There is nothing like
There is nothing llike
Your love
Your Love

(repeat as desired)
--------------------
In the song Worthy is the Lamb, the line "crown you now with many crowns", didnt have much meaning to me until tonight. I pictured me throwing my crowns, (daughter, sister, friend, student, everything God has allowed me to be) at His feet in worship.
--------------------

God has reminded me just how far He has taken me. I wish that it wasn't just in hindsight that I saw the Hand of God working in my life.

My aim: Being obedient to God and refusing to conform to what the world feels I am capable of accomplishing

God has aleady given me the tools to be as He has called me to be.

I am a living testimony to the power of the gospel of Jesus Christ

Winter Advance, Day Three

2-19-06

During worship this morning, His spirit spoke to me about living by faith and not by sight. just because I dont see something happening, it does not mean that God is not working in that area. I learned this a while ago, but this morning it resonated within me, and took on a whole new meaning for me regarding being single.

1Peter 1:13c
set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus
Christ is revealed.

Hope = Trust
Do I trust God with my dreams for the future? I began to ask
God what His dreams were for me, and to tell Him that "If you're not in it, then
I don't want it."

Once again, concerning the Great Commission, the Lord seemed to say to me through the speaker that "passing on the grace of God does not simply mean sharing the Gospel, but simple acts of kindness". I have been doing that all along.

Winter Advance - Evening Service, Day 2

2-18-06

From this point on things became interesting.

I have known for a few years now that the calling on my life is for children. In what capacity is was not made clear, but teaching preschool...could things get any better?! Even deeper is this desire for a spouse. But was God calling me to singleness forever? I did not know. I have had this desire in me ever since I was young child. I would love to be able to one day have children of my own, yet if that is not possible, then adoption is my hearts desire. But not unless there can be a father in the home too.

Anyway, there were points in the evenings message that made me think, "In terms of breaking free, what did I have to break free from?" I thought back to previous XA events and recalled the areas that God was working through. I couldn't think what else therecould be. Then God reminded me of my singleness. I had been struggling to be content in that area. Part of me wanted to be. Part of me was afraid of being alone my whole life. I see people, even those younger than I that are getting married. Addictions and emotions were areas the speaker mentioned. The Lord showed me I struggled with the latter, breaking free from the need for someone to meet my needs. It was the next statement he made that I had to catch my breath.

The calling on my life, can I give that up for a spouse?

But put that way, teaching children seem more important. He then said something that made me smile ( I couldn't help it either).

God will bring a helpmate along as you fulfill His calling for you.

(big smile)

I think I can be content with that

At the closing worship time, Eric had an altar call, for exactly what I cannot remember. I felt in my spirit I should have gone, but something kept me in my seat. So I silently prayed where I was. For the first time in my life I was able to let go of the refusal to be content. Something that was said earlier in the service by one of our own XAers resonated within me. "Trust God in the relationships".

God spoke again as we were singing "I Surrender" and "No Sacrifice"
"Write down your dreams. Give them to God. Not just once, but continuously." See what I can do with them."

"Oh My Freakin' Goodness!"

I figured this deserved it's own post.

2-19-06

After the service tonight, the worship team was going to play one song to end the meeting. Six or seven songs later and our time wasn't done. We went into a mixed time of worship and prayer. Somehow it went into a time of prophecy. Our speaker (Eric) would prophesy over three or four people by the time the night was through. One of the girls he spoke over was sitting right next to me.

"There is s a young girl dressed in blue"... At this point my adrenaline beegan to pump because I just happened to be wearing a light/dark blue sweatsuit. but the stuff he was saying didn't sound like it pertained to me. When a woman came over to pray with the girl, I realized it was a girl I know from a previous retreat sitting next to me and I placed my hand on her shoulder and silently began to pray for her myself.

I was a bit bummed, but if that's not what God had for me at the time, I was okay with that. Just as I got done with that thought, our speaker began to say "There is another young gal dressed in blue, this time in a wheelchair...". At this point I grabbed the sides of my wheelchair and out of my mouth comes "oh my freakin' goodness!" He proceeded to tell me God has been speaking to me. He mentioned things about dreams, both the ones that I have for the future (of which "He longs to fulfill", and about dreams I have at night. (I havent had a good dream in years.) Something was said about God speaking to me in my dreams. I have been praying that God would give me do this in place of these not so good ones that I haev been experiencing. ("Oh my frekin' goodness!")

By this time I realized that I was shaking, and breathing likef I had just finished working out. I had tears of joy running down my face.

When all was said and done, he asked if a certain woman from across the room would come pray for me. The only thing I remember her praying for me was for the gift of faith. I had prayed that God would at least strengethen my faith in Him ("Oh my freakin goodness!"). I got excited. Something I have wanted for a while. No sooner did she leave then another young woman walked over and said "I feel like I am supposed to pray for you" ("Oh my freakin ' goodness!") and so she did, stopping at first to ask me if the gift of prophecy had been something I wanted (I had prayed to be an encouragement to the girls living in the house and to others whom I come in contact with).

A monment or two passed after she had finished praying for me and went back to her seat. I saw a gentleman walk past me and just as I noticed him, he turns to me and says he felt the spirit impress upon him te same things that Eric said to me. ("Oh my freakin' goodness!"

We had another l-o-n-g night of worship afterwards, of which I was glad. I sat singing the songs, raising my hands, smiling and thanking God for all that He had revealed to me this weekend. He had one more thing to show me. Before this weekend, I was having a rough time spiritually. Reading the Word was good, but my prayer life seemed dry, and I for some strange reason wondered if this all wasnt just a fad, a phase and what if there was nothing to come of life after death? Yet at the same time I was frustrated with myself for even thinking that. God seemed to bring me to a place where he could work in me this weekend.

It was one o'clock in the morning by the time I went back to my room to retire for the night. It was three in the morning by the time I was able to calm down enough to go to sleep. Shoot, I had to be up at seven to be ready in time for us going to breakfast at Denny's before we headed home.

Breakaway ---- The Christian Thing

February 18, 2006

Panel discussion with UM campus pastor Scott Barnett

During the day today, we had a few hours of free time after lunch. Optional seminars were called "Break Away" sessions, and I debated whether I wanted to go. I thought it would be a bumch of stuff I already new about the Christian faith. Scott had led the panel that consisted of other campsu pastors and staff from the different college groups in attendance.

Students had an opportunity to pose questions to Scott who in turn directed them to specific people on the panel. He even threw out a few questions himself. All did an excellent job. Althogh I have been a Christian for many, many years, and in teh last seven have become more serious about my walk with Christ, I still came away refreshed. Most of the information I had heard before in other conferences, but it was great encouragement hearing it again.

For some time now i have wrestled with God's Great Commission in the New Testament book of Matthew. I can be a great encouragement to seasoned believers, but have no idea what to say to those who are not yet believers. A number or things go through my head that leave me too nervous to say anything relating to God. Slowly but surely, that is definately changing. Through listening to the panel discussion, here is what I felt God telling me

through what the speakers were saying

Stop battling with non-christians and just love on
them.

Our part- praying for open doors, God's part-drawing them to
Him

God is in conversation with everyone we pass

Connecting with people begins by asking God what is going on in
their lives

.

Breakaway ---- Baptism in the Holy Spirit

Campus pastor to UM Bozeman, Dick Schroeder has a seminar on the Holy Spirit every year. This is my third time I have heard him speak on this topic. Only having the experience five years ago, I still feel new to the experience.

I was surprised to learn that he prays in tongues sometimes hours a day. I was put at ease when a comment he made cleared my understanding of John 3:5

Baptism in the Holy Spirit is not a pre-requisite to getting into Heaven.


I was only able to sit through the last half of the meeting as a few of us went to play "Ballistic Bingo". Curtis Cole XA pastor in Dillon, Mt was the emcee for the afternoon, while somone else was the caller. The idea behind "Ballistic bingo" was that we played Bingo a number of different ways, The Ballistic part happened when we played a game using everyones card. When a number on a card was called, we would place a marker on it if we had it. Then, walk a step or two to the bingo card next to us and do the same thing, thus moving around the room in a snake-like fashion. I never won a game, but came close to winning twice. The young gal sitting next to me won a prize, a 3-pack of crazy straws, which she shared with two of us at the table.
Talk about getting ones excercise. I slept good that night.

When I returned to the room as we still had some free time left before dinner, my two roomies, Susie (From a Joyful Heart) and another young lady who joined our group in September, Tina were watching the Olympic sport of curling. I got a kick out of it, mostly watching the sweepers frantically sweep with a pushbroom the path of the watcha-macallit speeding down the ice. At one point I had to get a picture of Susie crawling across my bed (she was trying to avoid hitting my wheelchair). Which made me laugh even harder.

After that was over, it was off to bed.

Winter Advance, Day 2

February 18, 2006

There is nothing like, Your love!" (song lyric). Throughout the week, God kept penetrating my inner being with lyrics to songs tht we were singing. I had to write them down. One song in partricular (later on in the weekend) I wrote down the whole thing. It spoke to me that much. Some were from song I have been singing for years, some, I just learned that night.

Each night of worship during the retreat God's presence was strong, at least for me. I could actually feel my lower back getting sore as I would find myself bee-bopping to the worship songs. At one point I was getting tired so I sat still, only to find myself dancing once again. . My spirit just couldn't get enough. Tonight during worship I found myself looking foward to Heaven, where I could worship with abandon. (I love to worship!)

On the lighter side, I became a toddlers best friend. Here is a young child of a campus pastor, not quite two, and she walks right up to me and puts her arms up as if to say "Pick me up!" She did this two more times during the weekend, sorta scoping me out I guess. What a cutie!

Krysty K Had a fixation with Maccaroni salad. She went nuts at dinner when they had it out more than once. She also caught the attention of our speaker one night with her laugh. Thought she sounded like a goose. For that he gave her a banana. (we love ya Krysty!)

Winter Advance, Day 1

February 17, 2006

The first night I didn't get much out of the speakers message, but worship was amazing (as it was ALL weekend). His message on salvation made me think the entire weekend was going to be a "been there, heard that, know it already" experience. I was a bit surprised.

Our speaker used 1 Peter 1:1 - 16 all week, but only went to verse 12 today, preaching a message on salvation - what I thought was a great way to start a retreat, with anticipation of what God was going to do. He even gave an altar call at the begginning of his message, of which I thouight "hmmm, different". I thought it pretty was cool.

One comment he made tonight struck me. He said that "Our #1 sin...we are selfish!"
I could whole-heartedly agree with that statement, thinking back on my own life and what I wanted out of it. I had a "ME!" mentality. I wanted a job that made me a lot of money, so I majored in Business Management when I got to college. I wanted to live on a large piece of property where I had horses, dogs, cats,you name it. I wanted to be out on or near a river. At one point I didn't care if the person I married was a follower of Christ or not. (makes me shudder today!) I wanted my own way, wanted to do things my way, and wanted things done my way.

Then, in the Fall of 2001, God bathed me with His Spirit, when I thought my world was spinning out of control, and my dreams beyond my grasp.

The first night of this conference I thought was going to set the stage for what else to expect the rest of the weekend. I was preparing myself for boredom. God was preparing for something far different.

Winter Advance

"Oh my freakin' goodness!" - four words that basically sum up my experience this weekend.

God is up to something. The past six months have been divine. Fall retreat was so much more than I thought it was going to be. Even though I was only able to go to the Daughters Retreat the first night, it still blew my mind. Our ladies bible study and reading Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge was exquisitly divine. And now, Winter Advance. A four day winter retreat with over 200 Chi Alpha students from Idaho, Louisiana, Washington and Montana. God is definately up to something.

In the Words of fellow blogger Knit n Play

I can tell God is making me who I need to be for whatever that something
is...But the not-knowing-what is absolutely killing me. He may be weaving
something upstairs, but heck if all I don't see is a large tangly web.

And fellow blogger Tot's comment on Knit n Play's blog

I feel like i'm so average and can't see how and why i feel that there's
something crazy/remarkable that God is going to do.

Eric Truill was our guest speaker and is currently the campus pastor to the Chi Alpha group in Louisiana, and boy was he funny. Our church's very own Masters Commission led worship for each morning and evening session with Eric. They did an excellent job.

When this retreat was first announced, of course I wanted to go. Apparently I was mistaken in thinking it was to be our annual SALT conference. I dont know what was up. Anyway, at first I had the finances to go, and I was excited. However, something came up and finances were suddenly tight. I started to think that maybe, I wasn't supposed to go. I felt sick about it. One night at Chi Alpha, Scott made an announcement about the trip and said that if anyone ws not going simply because of finances, come talk to him. I hesitated. God is working on me in the area of asking for help when I need it, or when it is offered. Even as I type, I think of something Julie Austin (wife to Paul Austin, XA pastor to ISU campus) said to me at WORLD SALT a few years ago. "When is the absence of money the indication of God's will?" I talked to Scott and everything wss hunky-dory, that I could pay for the trip in monthly installments if I had to (Thanks, Scott). Within a short amuont of time I realized I had failed to record two deposits into my checkbook register and was able to come up with the deposit the day we left for Butte, Montana (affectionately known as Butte, America). Had they the finances to do so, mom and dad would have helped pay.





I will post pictures as soon as I can find the cord to my camera :(